Imperfect Gatherings

Creating New Traditions:

In my late 20s, I decided to start hosting Thanksgiving in my NYC apartment. At first, it was an experiment, hosting a few close friends in my limited space, gathering around tables that seemed much too small, often perched on mismatched chairs. But over time, this get-together transformed from a casual gathering to a valued tradition. Each year, friends would bring other friends, and we would fill up my loft apartment in Bushwick (back when lofts in Bushwick were affordable but lacked certificates of occupancies), laughing, sharing stories, and making toasts. There was something about these gatherings that felt important, especially to those of us who shouldn’t or couldn’t be with our families of origin for any number of reasons.

Of course, these dinners were far from perfect. There was always a bit of chaos, a burnt turkey (or maybe a few, I’m a vegetarian, not my strong suit); my cat knocking over a pumpkin pie and eating it (he was fine), and so many dishes. These mishaps turned into the memories we’d recount every year including the new people in on the jokes.

Thanksgiving 2010? An old door as a table extender. 

No matter the size of the group, we’d go around and share something we were thankful for. Even when the guestlist reached upwards of 20, we would carefully go to each person and listen while we watched our food get cold. These moments, while not exactly original, were heartfelt and sincere. Somehow, that gratitude almost always boiled down to being part of something, feeling included, and simply having a place to be. I survived. I am here right now. We are together.

Thanksgiving became less about the idealized vision and more about what we created together. Our gatherings allowed us to reimagine what a holiday could mean, filling it with pieces of our own values, our cultures, and our personalities. They allowed me to discover what mattered to me about gathering, tradition, community, and family. My guests also were able to share parts of themselves and their culture as we wove together a new ritual. Looking back I can see all of the little repairs, and lasting connections that brought comfort at a time when we are often inundated with images of “ideal families”. It became clear that traditions don't have to be inherited; they can be created, from scratch, around an old farm table in Bushwick.

Axle holding down the fort before guests arrive in 2018.

There is no "right" way to celebrate. Maybe you'll gather with family or spend it solo at a meditation retreat, taking a break from the everyday stresses. You could consider volunteering, which I did many times before I began hosting myself. There are countless organizations across the city that welcome help on Thanksgiving, offering a meaningful way to spend the day. Or, maybe you'll take part in a Turkey Trot for some light-hearted exercise or even try your hand at hosting.

However you celebrate—whether with family, friends, or solo—may you find gratitude in the present moment, surrounded by those who choose to share it with you.

Our Favorite Recipes to Share

As we step into this holiday season, we’re taking a moment to reflect on what traditions we truly want to embrace and which ones we might want to let go of. For many of us at CAP, food has always been at the heart of our personal rituals—whether that’s gathering around the table with friends, family, or simply enjoying a meal with on our own as a way to take care of ourselves.

This year, we’re focusing on how we can create new traditions that reflect who we are now, and how we want to celebrate. For us, food is more than just sustenance—it's a way to show love, share memories, and build community, even if that community looks a little different than it used to.

We thought it would be fun to share some of our favorite comforting recipes that we might make for you if you were to come over for dinner. Whether you’re cooking for a group or just for yourself, these dishes are simple, cozy, and make us go back for seconds. They remind us of the joy that comes from taking time to slow down, savor a meal, and share in the warmth of community, no matter how—or with whom—you’re celebrating.

Spinach Artichoke Dip

Ingredients:

• 1 ½ cups mayonnaise

• 2 cups Parmesan cheese (or Gruyère cheese), grated

• 2-3 cans (14 oz each) artichoke hearts, drained and roughly chopped

• 4 cups fresh spinach, chopped

• Salt and pepper to taste

• 1 tsp red pepper flakes (adjust to taste)

Instructions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C).

2. Sauté the spinach: In a skillet, cook the fresh spinach over medium heat until wilted. Drain any excess moisture.

3. Mix the ingredients: In a large bowl, combine mayonnaise, grated Parmesan (or Gruyère), chopped artichokes, sautéed spinach, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. Stir until well mixed.

4. Transfer to baking dish: Spread the mixture evenly into a large oven-safe dish.

5. Sprinkle the remaining grated cheese on top.

6. Bake: Bake for 30–35 minutes, or until the dip is bubbly and golden brown on top.

7. Serve: Allow it to cool for a few minutes, then serve with chips, bread, crackers, or sliced veggies.

Olive Oil-Braised Chickpeas and Broccoli Rabe (Similar to NYT version):

Ingredients:

• 1 cup extra-virgin olive oil

• 6 garlic cloves, peeled and smashed

• 1 sprig rosemary

• 1 teaspoon fennel seeds

• ½ teaspoon red pepper flakes

• 2 bunches broccoli rabe (trim tough stems)

• 2 (15-ounce) cans chickpeas, drained and rinsed

• Salt and black pepper to taste

• Crusty bread or pasta (optional for serving)

Instructions:

1. Prep the Oil: Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the smashed garlic, rosemary, fennel seeds, and red pepper flakes. Cook until fragrant and the garlic turns golden, about 3-5 minutes.

2. Add Broccoli Rabe: Toss in the trimmed broccoli rabe and coat it in the seasoned oil. Stir to combine, then cover and let the rabe braise until tender, about 10-12 minutes.

3. Cook the Chickpeas: Add the drained chickpeas, seasoning with salt and pepper. Stir and cook until the chickpeas are soft and have absorbed some of the oil, about 5 minutes.

4. Serve: Remove the rosemary sprig and serve hot with crusty bread or over pasta, ladling some of the oil over for extra flavor.

Orange Olive Oil Cake 

Serves 10, Prep 10 mins, Cook time 70 mins, 80 mins total

• 1 ⅓ cups extra-virgin olive oil

• 3 large eggs

• 1 ¼ cups whole milk

• 1 ½ tablespoons grated orange zest

• ¼ cup orange freshly squeezed juice

• ¼ cup Grand Marnier 

• 1 ¾ cups granulated sugar

• 2 cups all-purpose flour

• 1 ½ teaspoons kosher salt or to taste

• ½ teaspoon baking powder

• ½ teaspoon baking soda

• confectioners’ sugar for dusting

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 325F, add a circle of parchment paper to the base of a 9-inch springform pan, and spray the parchment paper and the sides of the pan very well with cooking spray; set aside. Do not make this cake in a regular 9-inch cake pan. Most are only about 1 1/2 to 2 inches deep and this cake rises to about 2 1/2 to 3 inches on the sides and nearly 4 inches in the center. It will overflow in a regular 9-inch pan.

2. To a large bowl, add the olive oil, eggs, and whisk well to emulsify and incorporate.

3. Add the milk, orange zest, orange juice (I was able to get sufficient zest and juice from one large orange), Grand Marnier, and whisk to incorporate.

4. Add the sugar and whisk to incorporate.

5. Add the flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, and whisk until just incorporated; don’t overmix. The batter in on the thin side; this is normal.

6. Turn batter out into prepared pan, place pan on a baking sheet as insurance against a leaky springform pan, and bake for about 70 to 75 minutes. Start checking after 60 minutes since all ovens vary. Cake will be golden browned and domed in the center when done, and a toothpick inserted in the center will come out clean or with a few moist crumbs.

7. Allow cake to cool in the springform pan for about 1 hour before releasing it and allowing the cake to finish cooling on a wire rack.

8. Dust with confectioners’ sugar prior to serving.

Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread

Ingredients:

• 1 ½ cups grated zucchini (lightly packed)

• ½ cup granulated sugar

• ¼ cup packed light brown sugar

• ½ cup unsweetened applesauce

• ⅓ cup vegetable oil

• 2 large eggs

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour

• ½ tsp baking powder

• ½ tsp baking soda

• ½ tsp salt

• ½ tsp cinnamon

• ⅓ cup mini chocolate chips

Instructions:

1. Preheat the oven: Set to 350°F (175°C). Grease a 9x5-inch loaf pan with cooking spray.

2. Mix wet ingredients: In a large bowl, combine grated zucchini, granulated sugar, brown sugar, applesauce, oil, eggs, and vanilla extract. Whisk until well combined.

3. Combine dry ingredients: In a separate bowl, mix the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon.

4. Combine wet and dry ingredients: Gradually stir the dry mixture into the wet ingredients, mixing just until no dry flour remains. Fold in the mini chocolate chips.

5. Bake: Pour the batter into the prepared loaf pan and bake for 70 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

6. Cool: Let the bread cool in the pan for about 10 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

The Masks We Wear

We live in a time where the tension between our public selves and private truths is more visible than ever. In a world that places high value on how we present ourselves, on social media, at work, in relationships, we may feel pressure to show only certain parts of ourselves. I mean no one is posting the picture of a fight we got in on vacation, we are all posting the smiling happy faces and the sunsets. We all want to be seen a certain way at least some of the time. Many of us wear different masks to fit into societal expectations or to protect ourselves from judgment. Yet, the dissonance between who we are and who we feel we need to be can weigh heavily on our mental and emotional well-being.

For the most part, the masking behaviors we discuss are survival mechanisms that developed in childhood when someone didn’t feel safe to express their true selves. In recent weeks, however, we’ve seen a number of public figures have their carefully constructed images shattered as long-buried truths come to light. The unveiling of such hidden aspects—often after years of projecting a different public persona—serve as a stark reminder of the different facets of masking which extend into the lives of those in the spotlight. These revelations highlight the profound disconnection that occurs when a person’s public and private selves are in conflict, sometimes with severe consequences.

In cases like these, the false persona is often crafted with malintent, consciously designed to manipulate or deceive others for personal gain. This type of narcissistic masking is harmful to others versus the individual. If you're interested in learning more about narcissistic masking, you can read more [here] or about [narcissism in general], and for insights into antisocial personality disorder and sociopathic tendencies, check [here].

That being said, the dynamic of disconnection between our inner and outer worlds is not exclusive to those with pathological intentions; it can happen to anyone. Many of us find ourselves unconsciously hiding our true identities as a means of self-preservation, particularly in environments where we feel vulnerable or judged. This act of masking, while not harmful to others, can still lead to significant internal conflict and emotional distress.

People naturally adapt to their environments all the time, and this isn’t inherently negative—it’s often just part of having social skills. For example, many of us behave differently at work than we do at home. This doesn’t necessarily mean we’re being inauthentic, but rather, we’re highlighting different aspects of ourselves to suit the context. However, when someone conceals their true personality or behavior to avoid social pressure, abuse, or harassment, it can be a necessary coping mechanism at the time—but often leads to consequences later on.

Masking can be relatively harmless like our IG feeds or our behavior at work or far more serious. As a therapist who works with individuals who have experienced complex or developmental trauma, I mostly work with individuals who unconsciously have had to mask since childhood. In Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child, she explores the concept of the ‘false self,’ which develops when a child becomes a narcissistic extension of their parents. This can be extreme, involving child abuse or when a parent with a personality disorder seeks validation or control through their child’s achievements, or it can be more subtle, like when a parent unknowingly projects their unmet ambitions onto their child. In both cases, the child learns to suppress their own desires, emotions, and identity to meet external expectations.

This ‘false self’ emerges as a protective mask. Over time, the mask becomes so convincing—even to the person wearing it—that the true self retreats further into the background. The disconnection becomes difficult to recognize, and this suppression of authentic desires often continues into adulthood.

As adults, we might pursue careers, relationships, or lifestyles that don’t align with our inner selves but feel "right" because they’ve been reinforced by external expectations. The tension between what we think we should do and what we actually want to do can be exhausting. This dissonance often leads to anxiety, depression, or a pervasive sense of discontent.

Neurodivergence and Masking

Masking is a defense mechanism that individuals use to hide aspects of themselves in order to fit in with those around them and avoid potential harm. Human beings are social creatures and being “part of the group” helps us establish safety. Like other compensatory behaviors, masking typically develops in response to social pressure and can be seen as a coping mechanism, or in extreme cases, a trauma response. Neurodivergent individuals often employ masking techniques - consciously or unconsciously - as a behavioral strategy to suppress or change their natural behaviors to blend in with the expectations of a neurotypical world. 

When we talk about neurodivergence today we are generally referring to folks with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and other cognitive or learning differences. The term neurodivergent was coined in 1998 by Australian sociologist Judy Singer to acknowledge that everyone’s brain develops in a unique way. Neurodivergent and neurotypical aren’t medical terms, they are words used to describe people’s brains beyond the binary of “normal” and “abnormal,” which is important because there is not a single definition of how a “normal” human brain works. Neurodivergent people have brain differences that affect the way their brains work, and while there is overlap between neurodivergence and disability, neurodivergent conditions are increasingly recognized as part of the spectrum of human diversity. Neurodivergent individuals often process information, interact socially, and experience the world in ways that differ from the neurotypical population. Neurodivergent individuals typically possess unique strengths that neurotypical folks do not have, such as artistic talent, better memory, strong attention to detail, and so forth. 

Masking often comes into play when neurodivergent individuals face social or cognitive challenges in their day-to-day lives. It may be prompted by wanting to avoid judgment, rejection, and bullying, to make friends, find a romantic partner, or to succeed in their career.

In practice, masking may look like someone with ADHD hiding their impulsivity or overplaning for a work meeting to compensate for difficulties with organization. An individual with autism may force themselves to make eye contact with coworkers, mimic others' gestures or facial expressions, memorize conversation topics, or hide stimming behaviors to fit in socially.   

Societal expectations play a key role in why neurodivergent individuals engage in masking. From a young age, many neurodivergent people face pressure to conform to norms that prioritize neurotypical ways of thinking, behaving, and communicating - particularly in settings like schools, workplaces, and social groups, where deviation from the norm may be met with misunderstanding or even punishment. Masking can also be seen as a survival mechanism. Fitting in helps people avoid bullying and exclusion and helps build relationships, secure jobs, and maintain a level of social capital. 

This level of daily pretend requires a great deal of energy and can lead to fatigue, chronic stress, and burnout. Many neurodivergent individuals report feeling disconnected from themselves and their true identity after years of masking. In some cases, neurodivergent individuals may mask so effectively that those with a diagnosable condition or disability may go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed for years, missing out on treatment and legal accommodations designed to make their day to day life more manageable. The same social pressure that leads neurodivergent individuals to engage in masking may also prevent them from advocating for the support that they need be it in the workplace, classroom, or their friends and families.  

Understanding masking is essential for both neurodivergent and neurotypical folks alike in order to create more inclusive environments and to allow neurodivergent individuals to feel safe and supported in expressing themselves authentically. Increased awareness can lead to better assessment and earlier, more effective accommodation. Perhaps more importantly, a culture of acceptance and understanding can help neurodivergent individuals embrace their own identities and see their traits as the strengths they are.

From Debt to Empowerment

Nina Choi on Navigating Career Transitions and Financial Freedom

Nina Choi

The biggest change is knowing that I’m going to be okay and that I have the ability to create the future I want.

You are a career coach working in the technology and HR spaces, but that wasn't always your job. Can you share a bit about your career path and how you got to where you are today?

I started working in the retail and service industry until I moved overseas to teach English in Japan. Leaving the United States was such a profound experience because I was able to let go of what I thought my family and outside influences expected of me. With that space, I ultimately decided to fulfill a dream of attending art school for visual design to start my own business as a stationer and graphic designer.

I've kept a journal since I was 10 years old, and my love of journals, greeting cards, and pens is partially why I chose Japan as a place to move. I was so passionate about it that I made an appointment to tour the Pilot Pen factory and had a translator guide me through the different levels of the building.

Once my contract overseas was over, I moved to New York City to attend Parsons and worked for one of the most reputable stationers in the US, Dempsey and Carroll. Engraving is one of the oldest types of ink press used by socialites and celebrities for their personal letters and business cards. It requires a metal plate to be etched with the typography, and two tons of pressure would "press" the ink onto the page, creating a raised ink effect (the opposite of letterpress). I got to see the stationery of Katharine Hepburn, Oprah, Madonna, and George Clooney, just to name a few.

After graduating from Parsons, I worked on creating my own line of greeting cards while designing stationery for other individuals and companies. That led me to work with a printer who printed my stationery, and I began selling their services alongside my design services.

“When clients struggle to see their own sense of worth, I encourage them to look at where they started and how far they’ve come. People tend to forget the entire journey they’ve taken to get where they are, and it takes some reflection to remember what they’ve already overcome.”

— Nina Choi

One day at a networking event, I came across a recruiter who asked if I had ever considered recruiting as a career. I didn't even know what that was at the time. It was then that I made the pivot to the HR world and never looked back. Working in talent, career coaching is part of the gig. I have almost a decade of experience doing that, but it wasn't until I was professionally trained in life and leadership coaching that I truly understood what coaching really is. Witnessing what people are capable of accomplishing when working with a coach has blown my mind. It truly has been a gift.

You've been open about your personal financial journey. What advice do you have for folks who are struggling with their finances?

Getting out of debt was a huge undertaking. Paying off $100k in 4 years was no small feat and required me to take severe ownership of my situation. The first thing that was really useful was learning about money because I didn't even know where to start. My brother-in-law bought me a Dave Ramsey course, and I learned how to keep a tight budget on every penny.

My first suggestion is to really get to know where you currently stand with money. How much do you have, and where is it going? Another suggestion is to look at your budget every weekend and track your expenses daily if possible. Something I heard from Tony Robbins is that what you pay attention to grows. This is true about money.

What do you tell your clients when it comes to knowing their worth and advocating for themselves?

When clients struggle to see their own sense of worth, I encourage them to look at where they started and how far they've come. People tend to forget the entire journey they've taken to get where they are, and it takes some reflection to remember what they've already overcome.

Are there any exercises or techniques you can share to help people move through the discomfort of asking for money?

Working for myself has been one of the biggest growth journeys I've taken. For everyone, this is different. Despite what I was told, I didn’t start charging my clients a high fee right off the bat. I needed to see the results of my clients to understand and believe that what I offered was worth the value. The biggest shift came when I truly began to understand during my intakes that clients expected me to charge more—people often feel that the higher you charge, the more value they are getting. It took me quite some time to really get that.

Since overcoming your debt, what has been the most significant change you've noticed in your mental health or overall life, and how has it influenced your approach to financial coaching?

The biggest change is knowing that I’m going to be okay and that I have the ability to create the future I want. Mindset is one of the biggest obstacles in moving towards the things that take us to higher levels. In fact, I would say the louder the voices that tell you that you’re not able to do something or that you can’t do something, it’s probably a good sign that you’re doing something that’s going to get you closer to what you truly want.

Navigating Money and Mindset:

An Interview with Jared Aquilina on Financial Freedom and Well-being

Trainer and Financial Coach Jared Aquilina

Can you tell us a little bit about what you do?

I help trainers and small business owners increase their wealth using my signature 'Money Mapping System.' Essentially, if you were to work with me, I’d identify your top three financial goals and automate a system around those goals to eliminate any stress and confusion for you.

But sometimes, achieving those financial goals requires building new habits. As a coach, I help my clients develop that “habitual muscle” so it becomes ingrained over time.

For those just starting to take control of their finances, what are three simple steps they can take today to begin building a more secure financial future?

I’m taking this literally—as in what you can do TODAY:

1. Start by writing down your 5, 10, and 20-year goals. It’s helpful to have a compass or beacon guiding where you want to be.

2. If you're a sole proprietor or business owner, separate your tax savings from your profits (revenue minus expenses), setting aside roughly 20-30%, depending on your business structure.

   2A) If you're a W-2 employee, automate 10-20% of your paycheck to pay off debt or, if you’re debt-free, build an emergency fund of about three months' living expenses. Think of this as the concrete foundation for building wealth.

3. Open a high-yield savings account and funnel your tax savings and/or emergency fund into this account.

What are some common financial mistakes you see people making, and what practical advice can you offer to help them avoid or correct these mistakes?

A) Buying things to impress others or fill a void in their happiness. The satisfaction from making a purchase is often temporary and not fulfilling in the long term. The most satisfying part of the purchasing journey is often the process—finding a product, reading reviews, and doing research. Ultimately, we seek a sense of purpose, productivity, and accomplishment, which can be found in many other ways in our personal and professional lives.

To avoid impulse purchases, give yourself a 7-day rule. Take that time to think about whether the purchase will realistically add value to your life.

B) Not saving money for taxes as a business owner. You need to immediately separate money that isn’t yours to have more clarity around your finances. Set up a separate savings account and automate 20-30% of your monthly business profits into this account.

How closely linked do you see mental health, fitness, and finance?

VERY closely. Having a routine, structure, and habits around all three is the ultimate path to freedom and happiness in life.

It all STARTS with your mindset. Are you ready to make a change? Do you have the mindset to make those changes? Do you have the growth mindset to consistently strength train or reach your financial goals, even when you experience setbacks? All three require consistent efforts over long periods of time.

As someone who doesn’t fit the traditional mold of a financial advisor, how do you leverage your background as a personal trainer to connect with clients and differentiate your coaching approach from more conventional financial advisors?

What I love most about training is the program design aspect. The template, the routine, the system—these form the foundation for reaching a goal. When a client comes to me with a goal, I create a plan individualized to their specific needs, then put it into action with hands-on training. Doing that for 16+ years has allowed me to develop a similar system for people's money.

Everyone has a unique history and journey with both their body and their finances.

You’ve talked about how gaining clarity in your finances enhanced your personal and professional life. What has been the most significant change you've noticed in your mental health or overall life, and how has it influenced your approach to your work with others?

Knowing that I can be happy and fulfilled in the present because I’m not worrying about the uncertainty of my financial future.

Not to be meta here, but… Money is ENERGY. It’s involved in everything in our lives—from the roof over our heads to the food we consume that literally becomes part of us.

We are money energy. If you have anxiety around it, that anxiety will deter you from truly being happy. That’s what inspires me to help others—bringing more positive energy around money.

Thank you for taking the time to chat with us. If people are interested in working with you, how can they find you?

Aquilinafinance.com or @jared.aquilina on Instagram.

Last question: If you were to take yourself on a "wellness date," what would it be? Here are the rules: It has to be solo and some type of outing or expedition to explore something that interests, inspires or increases your well-being.

I’d love to sit down at a simple, rustic family dinner in Sardinia, where the food comes straight from your neighbors. Picture a long wooden table set in the middle of rolling hills and olive groves, covered with hand-cooked pasta, fresh cheeses, sweet honey, and slow-roasted meats cooked over an open fire. The only sounds are the ocean breeze, the crackle of the fire, and laughter. We’d wash it all down with wine that tastes alive, a little funky, and just a bit cloudy when poured, but you know it’s got soul—just like the dinner. No cell phones, just real connections.

Money Trouble?

In psychotherapy circles, particularly in the context of couples therapy, there is a saying that goes, "It's not really about the money or the sex." This means that while money and sex are often the surface issues that couples argue about, they usually symbolize deeper, underlying problems within the relationship. These big topics often hold significant meaning beyond their immediate context. For instance, arguments about money can reflect deeper issues such as power dynamics, trust, security, or differing values and priorities.

This is especially true when it comes to an individual’s relationship with money. While money itself can be useful, it’s what money represents or symbolizes that holds significant importance. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), money has been a top stressor for Americans since 2007, and in 2020, the APA identified it as a risk factor in the nation’s mental health crisis. For many, money carries a heavy emotional weight, often triggering past anxieties or even resurfacing traumatic memories.

So what does money mean to you?

In one of Suze Orman's first books, The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, she introduces a powerful exercise that involves picturing your first memory of money.

"So the first step toward financial freedom is a step back in time to the earliest moments you can recall when money meant something to you, when you truly understood what it could do. When you began to see that money could create pleasure--ice-cream cones, merry-go-round rides; and also to see that it could create pain--fights between your parents, perhaps, or longings of your own that couldn't be fulfilled because there wasn't enough money or even because there was too much. When you first understood that money was not just a shiny object or something to color on. When you understood that money was money. I want you to think back and see that your feelings about money today (fearing it, enjoying it, loving it, hating it) can almost certainly be traced to an incident, possibly forgotten until now, from your past."

She goes on to encourage people to ask themselves some reflective questions:

• What were the best presents you recall receiving when you were a child?

• Did your friends have things you didn't?

• Did your mother have to work when others didn't, or not have to work when others did?

• Did you get money every time you went to see your grandparents?

• Were you ashamed to bring your friends home to your house?

• What were the special treats of your childhood? Did you have to be good in order to earn them?

• Did you feel like your friends had nicer clothes than you did? Did your friends' parents have more expensive cars than yours did?

• Did you feel ashamed of having far more than your friends did?

• Did you hear your parents fight about money?

• Did you receive only money as gifts, instead of the personal touch of a handpicked present?

• Did your mother close the windows when she bought something because your father would yell and she didn't want the neighbors to hear? (Mine did.)

• Was shopping for school clothes a ritual you looked forward to every year?

• Did you steal--from piggy banks, your parents' wallets, the dime store?

• Do you remember the very first wallet you ever had? Was it given to you empty, or with a penny in it, or a dollar?

• Did you get less of an allowance than your friends or siblings? Did you have to work for it, or was it given to you as your right? What did you do with it--spend it? save it?

• What is the biggest amount of money you ever saw as a child?

• Did you get money for birthdays? Did someone tell you what to do with it?

• Did your friends go on better vacations than you?

• What did your parents tell you about money that made you feel good? That made you feel bad?

While doing this, also tune into how you’re feeling in the moment. What emotions are surfacing? What physical sensations are you noticing? These feelings might be familiar to you, connected to past experiences.

If it feels right, try drawing what’s coming up for you. What do you notice about the imagery you create? This process can offer deeper insights into the emotions and sensations that may be over-coupled with your thoughts about money.

In Somatic Experiencing, we talk about coupling dynamics, which often arise as a result of exposure to overwhelming experiences—the root of trauma. We typically categorize coupling into two types: over-coupling and under-coupling.

Over-coupling occurs when two elements become linked (or coupled) within a traumatic experience that shouldn't be inherently connected. For instance, an emotion or sensation may become automatically associated with a specific trigger, like money.

Take a moment to reflect: Is there an emotion or sensation that immediately comes up when you think about money? This could be an example of over-coupling. When you think back to your earliest memories, do you notice any ways in which you might have attached feelings of fear or safety to money?

By exploring these coupling dynamics and paying attention to the emotions and sensations that arise, you can begin to untangle the connections that may be influencing your relationship with money. This awareness is a crucial step in healing, allowing you to separate past traumas from present experiences. As you reflect, visualize, and even create imagery around these feelings, you gain a deeper understanding of how your past might be shaping your present. This process empowers you to move forward with greater clarity, intentionality, and emotional freedom.

The Therapeutic Investment

Money is emotional. How we feel about it, our relationship to it, and what that all says about us is integral to our identities. Therapy is a significant financial commitment - an additional weekly expense added to our other financial obligations. It is no wonder that starting therapy can bring up a lot of complicated emotions about money (and ourselves). 

Therapy = money + time that we are spending on ourselves in order to improve our lives in the future. In the most traditional sense, therapy is an investment we make in ourselves. 

Therapy offers a safe, confidential space where we can openly express what is otherwise difficult to share and gain clarity. It is a process that fosters self-awareness, encouraging reflection in a non-judgmental setting. Therapy addresses underlying issues that, when left unattended, often lead to high costs in the future. Issues like anxiety, depression, and trauma can all manifest in ways that impact relationships, physical health, and work. A recent Yale analysis finds that untreated mental illness costs the US economy $282 billion annually. $282 billion. On an individual level, unaddressed mental health issues lead to lost wages, medical bills, substance abuse and so on. By addressing underlying issues proactively through therapy, we can prevent some of these costs and improve overall quality of life.

Therapy offers a safe, confidential space where we can openly express what is otherwise difficult to share and gain clarity. It is a process that fosters self-awareness, encouraging reflection in a non-judgmental setting.

Therapy helps us manage daily life stressors and emotional issues that can lead to improved performance at work and career advancement. Many of us find that through therapy, we are better equipped to manage stress, communicate effectively, and navigate workplace challenges. These skills are invaluable in any line of work and can lead to increased job satisfaction, higher productivity, and the potential for promotions or raises. As such, the financial investment in therapy can directly contribute to earning potential, making it not only a personal growth tool but also a strategic career investment.

Therapy also helps us grow in our relationships with others. Healthy relationships are key to overall happiness and healing from the effects of trauma. Unexamined and unresolved issues around interpersonal interaction often strain relationships in our personal and professional lives. It leads to conflict, misunderstanding, and the dissolution of relationships. Often the pattern of these relational issues leads to financial losses, be it job loss, divorce, or strained family dynamic. By investing in therapy we can foster resilience and the ability to cultivate emotionally rewarding relationships that often have financial benefits as well.     

Ultimately, therapy is an investment in self and when we prioritize ourselves, we can be better in the other areas of our lives. Investing in therapy not only addresses any immediate concerns but gives us the tools we need for personal growth and a more fulfilling and wealthy life.

Careless or Care·Less?

Our culture is productivity obsessed and often the idea of slowing down and doing less can feel inaccessible or even irresponsible. Simultaneously, experts across all fields advise us that slowing down is good for our health and leads to a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment. 

British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother” in his 1953 book Playing and Reality. His theory posits that a “good enough” caregiver provides a sufficiently nurturing environment for a child’s psychological development, without being perfect. Within the “good enough mother” framework, the caregiver uses attunement to strike a balance between meeting the child’s needs for physical and emotional safety while also allowing for safe testing of boundaries and slight frustration for the child. 

Many of us in the therapeutic space work on “re-parenting” with our clients - essentially helping clients develop the ability to offer themselves the nurturing care and understanding that they needed as children. Can part of this kindness and self-compassion focus on allowing ourselves to be “good enough” in our own endeavors? Can we, using mindful reflection, make choices about where we want to invest our time and energy and in doing so slow down and do less? Can we still care but care just a little less? 

Doing less doesn’t mean that we are lazy. Or that we lack ambition. It means that we are able to set realistic expectations for ourselves (and others) and move forward with intention, acknowledging that relaxation is essential for our overall wellness. Winnicott's work highlights the importance of a nurturing environment for a child's development, which includes periods of calm and rest. By being our own good enough caregivers and allowing ourselves the same access to rest, we create a nurturing environment for our own growth and happiness.

Winnicott also emphasizes the importance of presence and attunement. A good enough caregiver is attuned to the child’s needs, providing comfort and security. By doing less and focusing on the present moment we can also become more attuned to our own needs. This presence fosters deeper connections with loved ones and a greater sense of fulfillment.

When our busyness is persistent, our minds are cluttered. We approach tasks on autopilot without the mental space necessary to generate new ideas or understand different perspectives. Rest allows the mind to wander and engage in reflection, which can increase creativity and assist in problem-solving. Winnicott believed that play and creativity were vital for a child’s healthy development. As adults, we also benefit from the freedom and space to play, explore, and create.

Winnicott's idea of the "good enough mother" reinforces what we already know - that perfection is antithetical to our well-being. Rest is essential for our mental and emotional health, fostering creativity and deeper connections. Can we take stock and not only do a little less but care a little less about doing it all to enhance balance and create a nurturing environment for our own growth? 

Being Okay Trying Hard

Redefining "Try Hard": A Journey.

While Merriam-Webster remains silent on the matter, Dictionary.com defines a “try hard” as:

1. An underskilled or untalented participant attempting to compensate with sheer effort in order to succeed.

2. A person who participates in a game or other activity with too much enthusiasm, emotion, effort, or commitment.

3. Someone creating a false image to appear more attractive or appealing; a phony; a poser.

As someone who went to high school in the 90s, I am all too familiar with the particular mortification of being thought of as a “poser.” But as I've gotten older, my perspective has changed. While #3 is undeniably negative, definitions #1 and #2 now seem rather admirable. What could be more pure than having genuine excitement and enthusiasm about something you’re doing? Why is it so lame to be a “try hard?” At the end of the day, aren’t we all just trying to survive and succeed?

Recently, I was listening to Neal Brennan’s podcast, "Blocks," where he interviewed Judd Apatow. Apatow shared one of his wife Leslie Mann’s sayings: “The only thing that’s truly embarrassing is not committing.” This simple yet profound statement resonates deeply with my work as a therapist. Committing to something is inherently vulnerable. It involves risk and opens us up to potential failure. But there’s nothing shameful about being true to yourself, being authentic, and trying.

Trying is Committing:

To achieve something meaningful, you will likely need to try and fail a few times. Anything we care deeply about requires a certain level of risk. Taking risks is scary because things might not work out, we might look silly, and those experiences can be uncomfortable. However, the fear of looking silly, or the fear of shame, can prevent us from doing the most important things in life. It can hold us back from falling in love, expressing care for others, sharing how someone has impacted us, and certainly from achieving goals or learning new skills.

Have you ever taken a class and felt like the instructor was almost making fun of what they were doing? I can remember a Creative Arts Therapy workshop where the facilitator would roll her eyes and make snarky comments about how “woo woo” it was. Which…it might have been, but I was also there to get out of my critical brain and have an experience and her insecurities about not sounding “cool” robbed me of that. There’s nothing less inspiring than a teacher who doesn’t believe in what they’re teaching. If you decide to pursue something important to you, what’s wrong with enthusiastically trying? I would rather be seen as a “try hard” than someone who doesn’t care. I would rather learn as much as I can from others than pretend I have it all figured out.

Today, we face paradoxical messages about what is okay and what is admirable. No one wants to be seen as a “try hard” or its largely female (insert eye roll here) counterpart, a “pick me.” Yet, the number one aspirational way to make money today is to be an “influencer,” which requires you to 1) work incredibly hard and 2) get “picked” by viewers and fans to make a living. Don’t worry we’re not going to quit our day jobs to try to become influencers but it’s worth noting these mixed messages. Everyone has to try to achieve. If you want something you need to work hard for it.

Barriers to Trying:

Despite the virtues of effort and commitment, there are significant barriers to “trying” that merit discussion. Many of us have goals we wish to achieve but feel blocked or stuck in the pursuit. Whether these goals involve career success, finding love, or building a community, we can become discouraged and give up if we experience paralysis. When this blockage is due to insecurity, fear of failure, or shame about pursuing our passions, reality testing, support, and finding the mobility to push through can be invaluable. In cases where deeper issues are at play, therapy can provide the necessary support to help us overcome these barriers and achieve our goals (yes that’s where therapy comes in).

In a world where effort and commitment are crucial to success, perhaps it’s time to redefine our understanding and embrace the courage it takes to truly try.

Not Too Old

Written by: Asilia Franklin-Phipps

I do not have a studio, but I have dreams of having one. For now, I have taken over our dining room because it is sunny, and I can look out the window and drink cups of matcha. I can put my headphones on and be transported to a time and space better than the one I normally inhabit.

I started making art last summer. A series of small decisions led me to sitting on a stool in a big room at Pratt, taking a mixed media class in their continuing education program. I sat with three other people, including the teacher. For two weeks, we sat together cutting, gluing, painting, and talking. I sat next to an undergraduate student who was in her early 20s, but everyone else in the class was my age. Our teacher did show us techniques, but in this very noncommittal way. Each day she showed us how to make something and showed us how artists had used a similar approach. After class I would walk with a classmate for a block or two, stop by the art supply store, and then take the G-train to Lorimer, then walk to the hotel. In the morning, I would walk to the train, stopping to get a coffee, carrying a big pad of Bristol paper, and a tote bag full of Exacto knives and glue sticks. On these walks to the Lorimer stop, I thought about when I lived in South Williamsburg in the early 2000s. Then I walked to the Lorimer stop so I could go to Columbia where I was a very unserious and unfocused graduate student. In many ways that was when I started to make the life I have now, although I did not really know it then. Most days my friend Alex would meet me after class, and ask me what I did that day. I include this detail because he is a working artist and him taking an interest in my emerging efforts helped me gain the confidence to keep trying. He flipped through my sketchbook, balancing his skateboard on his knee, and asked me about colors. We have known each other for 15 years but had never had this in common before so never talked in this way. In his odd, nonchalant way, he told me to keep going, which felt important to me especially at the beginning.

A lot of things I learned; I was really excited about at the time. I was very into paper weaving, molding paste, and watercolor pencils. I don’t do any of those things anymore but love that I know how to do them. I am grateful for the knowledge of adhesives, different kinds of paper, and paint. As a teacher of many decades, I loved the experience of being taught. I deeply felt that my creativity and curiosity were looked after by the teacher, and it sensitized me to what it might feel like for the students I work with. Learning is vulnerable and being a student helps me remember. I also felt honest camaraderie with my classmates. We were all there searching a way to approach life differently. We were all burned out and depressed. I know this because we talked about it at length. Our class was a temporary confederation that did not last, but I don’t think it needed to last. We all learned together that we did not need to suffer in the ways that we had become accustomed to and tolerant of.

I look at art from this time with deep fondness, even though I think that I have gotten a lot better. The art I made in this class reminds me of that time in my life when I could not yet see a way out of burnout, despair, and sadness.

At the end of the class, my partner came down to the city to help me bring all my art stuff back on the train. I introduced him to the teacher and her husband on the street and we got a car back to the hotel. On the ride, I felt so overwhelmed with emotion that I cried. I cried because the class was over, and I was overcome with gratitude for the teacher and classmates who had made space for me in a way that I had not experienced in a long time. I could breathe. I cried because I realized that I had not been breathing much. They, alongside the art materials and Brooklyn in the summer, changed my entire life. I cried from a mixture of joy and sadness for what I had missed for so many decades. Being in the class reminded me of how much I had neglected myself and how I lacked community, rest, quiet, peace, and space. Space for contemplation, expression, and reflection. I had given up myself for professional success and it was not a good trade. I cried because the joy I felt was in such a sharp contrast to how I had felt for many years. I was afraid that I would never have such an experience again, because I had never had that experience before. I also cried because I worried that I would not continue to practice what I learned. I worried that work and responsibilities would edge out art, so that I would never make the time to do it again. I cried because I thought I needed to begin the mourning process for something that I was certain I would lose after only just finding it. But that is not what happened.

After I returned home and began making collages in our spare bedroom for hours and hours because I was on summer break. I listened to Jessica Pratt, Frank Ocean, Sza, Weyes Blood, Earl Sweatshirt, Armand Hammer, Duster, Broadcast, Radiohead, Alex G, and the night sounds of our neighborhood.  I listen to a lot of hip-hop but when I make art, I want to listen to quieter music. I cut and glued onto different kinds of paper feeling myself become more agile with the tools. I loved the Exacto knives and glue sticks. I began using a little bit of paint but feeling uncertain. I was not discouraged by this uncertainty because I had already done a lot of things that I initially felt uncertain about. I learned that uncertainty, like panic, could become so backgrounded that it did not stop me from doing something I was curious to try.

Toward the end of the summer, I took an abstract painting class at the Woodstock School of Art. I missed the first day, so felt a bit out of step with the other people in the class when I entered the classroom. The teacher showed us a few things that she did to get started and some of her favorite materials. Like my teacher at Pratt, she encouraged us to explore the materials, coming over and asking questions. In this class, unlike the other one, I felt a bit of panic. I was intimidated by painting and did not feel as comfortable working with palette knives and brushes. I also did not know the other people in the way that I knew the people in my other class. I did not like them seeing what I was doing. I felt uncomfortable and worried I was doing it all wrong. My last class I had gotten to know the people, and this was not like that at all. I took a deep steadying breath and tried to ignore that familiar feeling of panic and anxiety. I remembered that I was there to learn. That was all. I focused on the colors of the paint, the smells of the art room, and the shapes that emerged from the movements of my hands. I listened to the sound of the brush sliding across the canvas, pushing up against the paint, and I sighed quietly. I was learning that the panic that has characterized much of my life could be ignored. It just took practice.

Body Electric

Bodies are tricky. We all have them and yet, our relationship with them is often difficult. Our bodies tend to almost always be too something, and that “something” is usually something “bad” (or at least, not good). When the body is commodified and politicized - as opposed to honored and supported - it’s no wonder that we internalize these messages.   

In an attempt to nurture body positivity (or body neutrality), we tell children that “bodies come in all shapes and sizes” and that their bodies are “works of art.” It brings up an interesting point - the relationship between art and the body.   

The human body has been a central subject in art for millennia, representing evolving cultural and social perspectives and exploring the tension between those perspectives and reality.

Some of the earliest recorded figurative artwork - cave drawings and petroglyphs dating over 40,000 years - includes representations of the human body doing the work of daily life - hunting, worshiping, giving birth. Depictions of work done by bodies; the artwork itself, made by bodies.  

The Greeks, obsessed with harmony, beauty, and engineering explored their own culturally idealized human form in sculpture. In an effort to gain a better understanding of human anatomy and improve their rendering skills, Roman Renaissance artists studied cadavers, literally dissecting the body into a series of primary shapes. 

A student in a present-day figure drawing class views the human body through the lens of that biological architecture - neither perfect nor imperfect, but different shapes in different sizes all connected with light and shadow.   

The Cubists, interested in the relationship between a form and its parts, threw realism out the window instead depicting the body in abstraction as a series of deconstructed shapes. Stylized geometry in all shapes and sizes. 

Art therapists often refer to the act of artmaking as an “embodied experience,” due in part to the fact that it requires physical engagement and sensory awareness, but more importantly, because it is an act of holistic engagement where mind, body, and environment converge. The artist intuitively understands this principle of embodiedness and knows that their body is equally as necessary and valuable a tool as the medium with which they work. 

Sometimes the artist’s body becomes the subject of the work itself, creating powerful opportunities for self-inquiry and discussion (or critique) of the cultural values by which we limit and judge our own bodies - think Frida Kahlo, Robert Andy Coombs, Robert Maplethorpe. In the case of performance art, the artist’s body is both subject and medium, opening up deeper channels of communication with the viewer - Marina Abramović, Nick Cave, the Guerilla Girls. 

Clearly artists have the ability to think about the body with a sophistication and complexity beyond simply “good,” “bad,” “too” and maybe it would serve all of us to approach our own bodies this way. Perhaps we can view ourselves as representations of something more expansive. Better yet, maybe we are all just a series of shapes held together by light and shadow - individual works of art.  

Feeling and the Unconscious.

Why we need to go deeper.

“How does that make you feel?”, I ask more times in a day than I can count. Followed by, “And where do you feel that in your body?”, or occasionally, “And as you notice and stay with that sensation, what happens next?”. Cliched therapist questions perhaps but in my defense I am really asking and I am really listening in hopes that you too will begin to listen to your experience.

While there are many types of therapy and theoretical orientations, most therapists agree on some basic truths:

1. Human Experience: Everyone has thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that shape their experiences.

2. Impact of Past and Environment: Our childhoods, personal histories, and environments significantly influence our behavior and mental health.

3. Potential for Growth: Humans have an innate potential for growth and self-improvement.

4. Interpersonal Relationships: Relationships play a crucial role in psychological well-being.

5. Unconscious Processes: Many (any of the psychodynamic approaches) agree that unconscious processes can influence thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, even if the emphasis varies.

Because of all of the above, we operate in universal but complex ways. We all are significantly shaped by our environment our histories our relationships as well as unconscious drives that motivate us to do certain things that are not always intuitive. In therapy, we try to peel back all of the layers to understand what it is we really feel in order to make decisions.

One simple example of how our unconscious mind can influence behavior is chronic lateness. Imagine you’re late to work every day, causing you anxiety. You wake up dreading the possibility of being late and the consequences it might bring. When you do arrive late, you feel embarrassed and guilty, and you might stay late to compensate, which leads to resentment.

On the surface, you might think you’re just a “late person.” However, there could be an underlying issue. Perhaps you’re unconsciously angry at your employer for not promoting you, but because you grew up in a household where expressing anger wasn’t allowed, you manifest this anger through lateness. This results in a cycle of fear, anxiety, guilt, and resentment—emotions that mirror the environment of your family home. Thus, while you consciously don’t want to be late, your behavior reflects something different.

To understand and shift this cycle, it's not enough to merely be aware of it; you also have to feel your repressed emotions. In therapy, we start with the surface feeling of anxiety but gradually, by tuning into what is happening as you share, we can uncover deeper, more primal feelings like fear and anger. By expressing this anger and tracing its origins, we can begin to understand what we truly want (such as a promotion or a new job) and start behaving in ways that align with these goals. This approach helps break the passive-aggressive cycle of lateness, which perpetuates guilt and resentment and may become a barrier to getting promoted in the future.

To delve deeper into our motivations and desires, it's essential to connect with our present bodily sensations. Learning to sense how we feel in the moment can provide valuable insights. For practical exercises to help you locate and understand your present state feelings, check out the blog post "Developing a Felt Sense". This post includes a simple directive designed to enhance your body awareness and emotional understanding.

I’m not sure I agree with Socrates that an “unexamined life is not worth living”, but something pretty close to that feels true to me. Something about getting to the truth of our experience feels so important in order to live life authentically and with vitality. But this is about you—are you willing to take the risk to discover what's really going on for you?

If yes, sit back, close your eyes, and ask yourself, “How do you feel?”

Developing a Felt Sense.

How to Be In Our Bodies.

The "felt sense," a term coined by Dr. Eugene Gendlin, refers to a holistic, bodily-felt experience that encapsulates the entirety or "more" of an issue or one's general state. Gendlin's process of Focusing involves deeply listening to this experiential sense to understand who we are and how we are. Because the felt sense is an experience, it can be challenging to describe and grasp through reading alone.

Recently at CAP have been talking a lot about what it means to be embodied and so we wanted to invite you to try an exercise to help you locate your felt sense. Although we use this term in therapy speak often, I find that people sometimes struggle with understanding what I mean when I ask “When you share that with me, how do you feel inside?”. The most common answer is “fine”, as in “I feel fine sharing that with you.”, or to go back to what they feel about the content of what they’re discussing. Those things are important but the felt sense is something different. It is the embodied sensory experience we have as we think about something or share.

The Basics

1. Find a Quiet Space: Sit comfortably and close your eyes.

2. Tune In: Focus on your body and notice any sensations or feelings.

3. Describe: Try to put words to these sensations, even if they seem vague or unclear.

You might find you immediately recognize this kind of feeling, realizing that you often tap into this bodily awareness without consciously labeling it. This practice can deepen your understanding of your internal experiences.

A Felt Sense Exercise for Beginners

Part 1: Settling In

1. Find a Quiet Space: Sit comfortably in a quiet place. Set aside your daily worries and concerns. Pause for a while, counting slowly to ten, and notice that you are present here and now. Focus on the contact between your body and the chair or floor, feeling supported.

2. Close Your Eyes: If it feels comfortable, close your eyes. Think of someone you love—a friend, family member, or pet. Imagine this person is with you in the room.

3. Observe Sensations: Notice any thoughts, memories, emotions, or physical sensations that arise. You might feel a warm glow or an expansive feeling in your heart or other sensations in your throat, chest, stomach, or belly.

4. Stay Open: Don’t try to force or grasp any particular feeling. Simply observe what comes up as you invite a sense of "all about this person." Take your time and let the sensations unfold naturally.

Part 2: Engaging with Difficult Feelings

1. Reset Your Body: Open your eyes and give yourself a shake to reset. Then, repeat the grounding exercise from Part 1.

2. Focus on a Challenging Person: This time, think of someone you find difficult to get along with. Imagine this person is with you now.

3. Observe Sensations: Notice any thoughts, memories, emotions, or physical sensations that arise. You might feel tightness or a closed feeling in your stomach or other sensations.

4. Stay Open: Don’t try to force or control the experience. Just observe and take your time, inviting a sense of "all about this person."

What was this like? What did you notice? You might want to try it again a couple of times to really highlight the difference in your embodied sensations.

Beginners Mind

I recently began training to become a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (SEP). Somatic Experiencing (SE), founded by Peter Levine, is a therapeutic approach that addresses the root cause of trauma symptoms by helping individuals complete self-protective responses and release trapped survival energy in the body. The program spans three years and is divided into eight modules of advanced training. Each module involves 4-6 days of both didactic lectures and experiential practicums in large and small groups.

At the start of each practicum session, the instructors often remind us to adopt a “beginner’s mind” as we apply these new ways of working. Many of us are experienced clinicians with countless hours of therapy under our belts and multiple post-graduate intensive trainings. We come to SE with a therapeutic style grounded in theoretical and clinical knowledge, honed over years or even decades. Yet, in our newness to SE lies the gift of nuanced observation and uncertain experience, if we can embrace it rather than trying to prove what we already know.

Beginner's mind is a concept rooted in Zen Buddhism, emphasizing approaching experiences with openness, curiosity, and a lack of preconceptions, similar to how a beginner would. It involves letting go of assumptions, biases, and past experiences to perceive things with fresh eyes and an open mind. Beginner's mind encourages a non-judgmental attitude, fostering new insights, learning, and growth in various aspects of life.

I love the sound of this concept. It encourages openness, improvisation, and playfulness. Yet, as soon as I sit in that therapist chair, I notice familiar constrictions in my chest, racing thoughts of anticipation, and the desire to do a “good job,” even though I know that the best job I can do is to learn—and learning often means failing.

Fear of failure keeps so many of us from trying new things. Failing is uncomfortable and I like most humans do not like being uncomfortable. Of course, I see the value in it which is why I am back yet again doing something new, negotiating how brave I can be/how silly I am willing to look. What if I don’t seem like I know what I am doing? I am a very experienced therapist who is fully confident in her skills and yet if I practice something that’s new everyone will see my mistakes, my wrong turns, and they might judge me or even worse discount me.

Adam Grant writes a lot about the importance of failure. He states, “Ultimately, what we regret is not failure, but the failure to act”. And that makes so much sense to me. One of the profound lessons I’ve learned so far is the power of presence. In Somatic Experiencing, being fully present with clients, without the pressure to “perform,” allows for deeper attunement and a more authentic therapeutic process. This presence, combined with the beginner’s mind, creates a space where both the therapist and the client can explore the therapeutic journey with curiosity and openness.

As therapists, we often strive for perfection, but it’s in our imperfections and vulnerabilities that we find true connection and healing potential. This concept is lovingly referred to as “fuck up therapy” in Gestalt circles. By embracing the beginner’s mind, we not only enhance our therapeutic practice but also model a powerful lesson for our clients: that growth and healing are lifelong processes that thrive on curiosity, openness, and the courage to face the unknown.

Therapist-Client Dynamics: Affirming Care and Personal Disclosure

Is asking about a therapist's experience and clinical approach, such as their views on inclusion and affirming care, the same as personal disclosure?

Traditional therapy models often caution against extensive personal disclosure to maintain therapist neutrality. However, for marginalized groups, understanding a therapist’s personal beliefs and stance on critical issues can be crucial. In inclusive and affirming care, personal disclosure by the therapist can play a pivotal role in establishing a trusting, supportive, and effective therapeutic relationship.

Over the years, I’ve noticed potential clients increasingly inquiring about therapists' stances on various aspects of care. They want to know if the therapist takes an antiracist approach, their comfort level discussing race and religion, whether they are sex-positive, and if they are queer or gender-affirming. Clients often ask about views on alternative relationships, such as polyamory, open relationships, and kink. Often clients will not only be interested in my views or how I practice but about my life. It is my job to discern what information might help people make the best decision about whether or not I would be a good fit while maintaining essential therapeutic boundaries.

Historically, psychotherapy operated in a very intentional vacuum. Clients disclosed much about themselves, while therapists revealed very little. This "blank screen" approach, rooted in Freudian analysis, posited that therapists should remain neutral, allowing clients to project their beliefs, fears, and emotions onto them. These projections were then interpreted to understand the client's unconscious mind. For instance, if a client perceived the therapist as cold and withholding, it might reflect feelings towards a similarly perceived parent.

However, psychotherapy has evolved significantly from the days of classical analysis, where clients lay on a couch while a silent therapist took notes. Modern schools of thought, including Gestalt Therapy, emphasize the importance of the present relationship between therapist and client. This real-time connection is fundamental for growth, as humans inherently live in relation to others.

In my sessions, I tune into my present felt sense as clients share their experiences. I might notice feelings of heaviness or sadness within myself and reflect that back to the client, not only to show empathy but also to share the impact of their words. I always tell the truth. I share what I notice in me as they share about them. Sometimes, there’s an incongruence between what a client expresses verbally and their body language or emotional state. Noticing and exploring these nuances helps mirror clients and helps deepen the relationship between us.

I typically refrain from sharing similar personal stories or examples from my own life, even if relevant. My personal experiences are present in the room with me, but sharing them may not be pertinent to the client's story and could serve as a distraction. Any information I share is carefully considered for how it might contribute to or detract from the client’s therapeutic process, creating a slightly lopsided relationship.

While personal disclosure can be beneficial, it’s crucial to balance it with maintaining professional boundaries. The therapist’s primary focus should always be on the client’s needs. Over-disclosure or sharing irrelevant personal information can shift the focus away from the client and disrupt the therapeutic process. Therapists must carefully consider the timing, content, and purpose of their disclosures .

When clients ask about my personal life, I respond truthfully but also explore the motivation behind their questions. Are they seeking to take care of me emotionally, engaging in small talk, or deflecting from more vulnerable topics? Understanding the context helps me provide an appropriate response.

Questions about affirming care, however, often stem from a place of seeking safety. Very real physical and emotional safety. Many clients have experienced therapists making assumptions, misgendering them, or lacking an understanding of intersectional issues. While your therapist doesn’t need to be exactly like you to help you, it’s important to feel safe discussing race, your relationship, culture, religion, and other personal aspects. For more detailed information on how to find an anti-racist therapist, you can read some helpful suggestions at Mental Health America’s website here. For more information on finding a gender-affirming therapist, you can read this post from Very Well Mind here. 

The therapeutic relationship involves both real interactions and projections. You might feel judged by your therapist due to your past experiences, or some internalized shame. But you may also have a therapist who is judging you or assuming something based on their own internal biases. In this case, you want to feel comfortable exploring and working through the rupture and repair. Therapists don’t need to share every experience their clients have to work effectively with them, but they do need to create a safe and supportive environment. 

This is such a complex and important topic and we are only scratching the surface of it here today. For now, as a therapist, my goal is to foster a safe, empathetic space where clients feel understood and respected. That often means holding two important things at once. One of my jobs is to facilitate the client’s work towards their goals and keep the focus on them versus on my opinions. Two is that a client may need some real information about my personal beliefs in order to feel safe enough to do their work. Knowing whether a therapist is antiracist, sex-positive, or affirming of queer and gender identities can provide clients with the assurance that they are in a safe and empathetic environment. This type of transparency helps to build a foundation of trust, making clients feel understood and validated in their experiences, which is essential for effective therapy.

June is Pride Month,

Who Else Doesn’t Feel Like Celebrating and Why We Should.

The Importance of Gender-Affirming Care Amid Rising Threats to the LGBTQAI+ Community.

As we enter Pride Month, many individuals find themselves grappling with mixed emotions. While the season is traditionally one of celebration, joy, and visibility for the LGBTQAI+ community, there are those who struggle with the idea of celebrating amidst ongoing challenges. This dichotomy raises an important question: Why should we celebrate when there is still so much work to be done?

Did you know the same Bill Clinton who gave us such LGBTQAI+ policy hits as DOMA (1996) and “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” (1993)  also gave us Pride Month in 1999. Who needs basic rights when you get a parade? Pride Month is a time to celebrate the LGBTQAI+ community and reflect on the progress made towards equality. For us at CAP, creating a safe and inclusive space for everyone—regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, or ethnicity—requires more than just good intentions. It demands active, deliberate actions and policies that foster genuine inclusion and safety. It also means highlighting ongoing challenges, particularly the importance of gender-affirming care and the significant threats facing the community.

I vividly remember the joy and triumph when New York legalized gay marriage in June 2011, and the nationwide celebration on June 26, 2015, when the Supreme Court's decision in Obergefell v. Hodges overturned the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). These were monumental victories for LGBTQAI+ rights. However, as we approach 2025, there is a palpable anxiety about the durability of these hard-won rights amidst an increasingly hostile political landscape.

Since the beginning of Donald Trump's presidency, there has been a dramatic rise in anti-LGBTQ legislation. Between 2015 and 2023, nearly 2,000 anti-LGBTQ bills were introduced across various state legislatures, with approximately 194 of these becoming law (Human Rights Campaign)​​ (Trans Leg Tracker). This trend has shown no signs of abating; over 300 anti-LGBTQ bills were proposed in 2023 alone, reflecting a concerted effort to undermine LGBTQ rights at the state level (GLAAD)​. These legislative actions often target healthcare, education, and public accommodations, disproportionately affecting transgender individuals (American Civil Liberties Union)​​ (Trans Leg Tracker)​. Read more about that here.

Studies indicate that 70 percent of gender-minority adults and 56 percent of sexual-minority adults report experiencing discrimination from healthcare providers. Furthermore, about 8 percent of sexual minorities and 25 percent of transgender individuals have been denied healthcare services (Human Rights Campaign)​. This discrimination underscores the critical need for gender-affirming care, which is essential for the well-being of transgender and gender non-conforming people.

Gender identity is an internal sense of self that may not align with external gender expressions like clothing or voice. It is vital to recognize that gender cannot be assumed based on appearance or behavior. Instead, it should be understood as an individual's internal identity, which can change over time. Asking someone about their gender is the only way to know, but even then, it is not a fixed attribute (Human Rights Campaign)​.

The FBI's 2022 crime report, released in 2023, highlighted a disturbing increase in anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes. Reports of hate crimes based on sexual orientation rose by 13.8%, while those based on gender identity surged by 32.9% (Human Rights Campaign)​​ (American Civil Liberties Union)​. Over 20% of all hate crimes are now driven by anti-LGBTQ+ bias. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has been documenting a surge in fatal violence against transgender individuals, particularly Black transgender women, who are most at risk (American Civil Liberties Union)​​ (Trans Leg Tracker)​.

Human Rights Campaign President Kelley Robinson commented on the FBI's report, stating, "The rise in hate crimes against the LGBTQ+ community is both shocking and heartbreaking, yet sadly, not unexpected. The constant stream of hostile rhetoric from fringe anti-equality figures, alongside the relentless passage of discriminatory bills, particularly those targeting transgender individuals, in state legislatures, created an environment where it was sadly foreseeable that individuals with violent tendencies might respond to this rhetoric. The FBI's data serves as another alarming indicator of the state of emergency our community finds itself in" (Human Rights Campaign)​.

It's important to show up and celebrate, but as we do, we must also acknowledge both the achievements and the ongoing struggles of the LGBTQAI+ community. Recognizing the value and power of celebration itself is essential. Pride is a time to honor past victories, build and strengthen our community, raise awareness, affirm identities, and inspire future generations, including both LGBTQAI individuals and therapists who identify as allies. Gender-affirming care remains a critical need amidst rising discrimination and legislative attacks. By staying informed and advocating for inclusive policies, we can help ensure the rights and dignity of all LGBTQAI+ individuals are upheld.

Beginning Again…Again.

Recently, I found myself on the treadmill at the gym (my least favorite place to run), negotiating with myself to finish my workout. Just a little bit longer... I wasn’t sure I would be able to; my chest was tight, my breathing was labored, and I was concerned about possible repercussions later in the day. Almost there, or should I just stop now? Maybe 30 seconds to go, then maybe 20... a few more... done! I reduced the speed to a crawl and glanced at the screen: distance, 1 mile; time, 13 minutes. I was so happy I could cry. I did it—I did something anyway. It was the longest 13 minutes of my life, and I barely got through it, but it was finished.

I’d like to say this was the beginning of my running story and that from here I went on to do great things, but this was last week. Last fall, I ran the NYC Marathon, my first, and now, four months later, I can barely run a mile. But this isn’t actually about overcoming odds; this isn’t even about running. This is about the inevitability of being at the beginning of something. In my case with running, it’s about being at the beginning yet again as part of a long road of navigating health issues that impact my abilities and often my motivation.

If I can work up to marathon training for years and still end up in a poorly equipped gym barely completing 1 mile just months later, how can I rely on my accomplishments? How can I rely on myself? Can I trust my successes will mean something after I complete them, or am I just on this hamster wheel of striving towards something only to be right back where I started each time?

I think the answer is yes to all of the above, actually. Yes, I can trust my accomplishments, and yes, I will be back at the beginning time and time again. Every time I decide to learn a new skill or reach for a goal to stretch myself and grow, I am back in this uncomfortable place of self-doubt—“Will I be able to do it?”—and self-criticism—“What’s the point? I am never going to be great at this anyway?”—which, if left unchecked, inevitably leads to demotivation and avoidance.

Let me be clear: this is not a story about great athletic achievement. I ran almost a five-hour marathon back in November, and I don’t imagine there is going to be a big overcoming of physical limitations that turns me into a 22-year-old athlete in my next one if I ever run another one. No, I am a 43-year-old busy New York woman who runs largely for her mental health, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s exactly enough of a reason to pursue a goal—because it makes you feel good doing it, or maybe with running it feels good having done it. This brings me to the point of this: work towards the things that matter to you but do them with a sense of purpose and personal satisfaction, rather than focusing solely on the end result.

Life is filled with cycles of beginnings and endings, and it's important to recognize that each attempt, each effort, is valuable in its own right. Achievements are not always measured by grand milestones but by the simple act of trying, learning, and growing. By allowing ourselves the grace to start over and the freedom to pursue what brings us joy, we can find fulfillment in the process itself. So, whether you're starting a new job, PRing your marathon, or like me running that first slow painful mile, the true success lies in the journey, the effort, and the commitment to going back again and again.