The Masks We Wear
We live in a time where the tension between our public selves and private truths is more visible than ever. In a world that places high value on how we present ourselves, on social media, at work, in relationships, we may feel pressure to show only certain parts of ourselves. I mean no one is posting the picture of a fight we got in on vacation, we are all posting the smiling happy faces and the sunsets. We all want to be seen a certain way at least some of the time. Many of us wear different masks to fit into societal expectations or to protect ourselves from judgment. Yet, the dissonance between who we are and who we feel we need to be can weigh heavily on our mental and emotional well-being.
For the most part, the masking behaviors we discuss are survival mechanisms that developed in childhood when someone didn’t feel safe to express their true selves. In recent weeks, however, we’ve seen a number of public figures have their carefully constructed images shattered as long-buried truths come to light. The unveiling of such hidden aspects—often after years of projecting a different public persona—serve as a stark reminder of the different facets of masking which extend into the lives of those in the spotlight. These revelations highlight the profound disconnection that occurs when a person’s public and private selves are in conflict, sometimes with severe consequences.
In cases like these, the false persona is often crafted with malintent, consciously designed to manipulate or deceive others for personal gain. This type of narcissistic masking is harmful to others versus the individual. If you're interested in learning more about narcissistic masking, you can read more [here] or about [narcissism in general], and for insights into antisocial personality disorder and sociopathic tendencies, check [here].
That being said, the dynamic of disconnection between our inner and outer worlds is not exclusive to those with pathological intentions; it can happen to anyone. Many of us find ourselves unconsciously hiding our true identities as a means of self-preservation, particularly in environments where we feel vulnerable or judged. This act of masking, while not harmful to others, can still lead to significant internal conflict and emotional distress.
People naturally adapt to their environments all the time, and this isn’t inherently negative—it’s often just part of having social skills. For example, many of us behave differently at work than we do at home. This doesn’t necessarily mean we’re being inauthentic, but rather, we’re highlighting different aspects of ourselves to suit the context. However, when someone conceals their true personality or behavior to avoid social pressure, abuse, or harassment, it can be a necessary coping mechanism at the time—but often leads to consequences later on.
Masking can be relatively harmless like our IG feeds or our behavior at work or far more serious. As a therapist who works with individuals who have experienced complex or developmental trauma, I mostly work with individuals who unconsciously have had to mask since childhood. In Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child, she explores the concept of the ‘false self,’ which develops when a child becomes a narcissistic extension of their parents. This can be extreme, involving child abuse or when a parent with a personality disorder seeks validation or control through their child’s achievements, or it can be more subtle, like when a parent unknowingly projects their unmet ambitions onto their child. In both cases, the child learns to suppress their own desires, emotions, and identity to meet external expectations.
This ‘false self’ emerges as a protective mask. Over time, the mask becomes so convincing—even to the person wearing it—that the true self retreats further into the background. The disconnection becomes difficult to recognize, and this suppression of authentic desires often continues into adulthood.
As adults, we might pursue careers, relationships, or lifestyles that don’t align with our inner selves but feel "right" because they’ve been reinforced by external expectations. The tension between what we think we should do and what we actually want to do can be exhausting. This dissonance often leads to anxiety, depression, or a pervasive sense of discontent.
Careless or Care·Less?
Our culture is productivity obsessed and often the idea of slowing down and doing less can feel inaccessible or even irresponsible. Simultaneously, experts across all fields advise us that slowing down is good for our health and leads to a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment.
British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother” in his 1953 book Playing and Reality. His theory posits that a “good enough” caregiver provides a sufficiently nurturing environment for a child’s psychological development, without being perfect. Within the “good enough mother” framework, the caregiver uses attunement to strike a balance between meeting the child’s needs for physical and emotional safety while also allowing for safe testing of boundaries and slight frustration for the child.
Many of us in the therapeutic space work on “re-parenting” with our clients - essentially helping clients develop the ability to offer themselves the nurturing care and understanding that they needed as children. Can part of this kindness and self-compassion focus on allowing ourselves to be “good enough” in our own endeavors? Can we, using mindful reflection, make choices about where we want to invest our time and energy and in doing so slow down and do less? Can we still care but care just a little less?
Doing less doesn’t mean that we are lazy. Or that we lack ambition. It means that we are able to set realistic expectations for ourselves (and others) and move forward with intention, acknowledging that relaxation is essential for our overall wellness. Winnicott's work highlights the importance of a nurturing environment for a child's development, which includes periods of calm and rest. By being our own good enough caregivers and allowing ourselves the same access to rest, we create a nurturing environment for our own growth and happiness.
Winnicott also emphasizes the importance of presence and attunement. A good enough caregiver is attuned to the child’s needs, providing comfort and security. By doing less and focusing on the present moment we can also become more attuned to our own needs. This presence fosters deeper connections with loved ones and a greater sense of fulfillment.
When our busyness is persistent, our minds are cluttered. We approach tasks on autopilot without the mental space necessary to generate new ideas or understand different perspectives. Rest allows the mind to wander and engage in reflection, which can increase creativity and assist in problem-solving. Winnicott believed that play and creativity were vital for a child’s healthy development. As adults, we also benefit from the freedom and space to play, explore, and create.
Winnicott's idea of the "good enough mother" reinforces what we already know - that perfection is antithetical to our well-being. Rest is essential for our mental and emotional health, fostering creativity and deeper connections. Can we take stock and not only do a little less but care a little less about doing it all to enhance balance and create a nurturing environment for our own growth?
June is Pride Month,
Who Else Doesn’t Feel Like Celebrating and Why We Should.
The Importance of Gender-Affirming Care Amid Rising Threats to the LGBTQAI+ Community.
As we enter Pride Month, many individuals find themselves grappling with mixed emotions. While the season is traditionally one of celebration, joy, and visibility for the LGBTQAI+ community, there are those who struggle with the idea of celebrating amidst ongoing challenges. This dichotomy raises an important question: Why should we celebrate when there is still so much work to be done?
Did you know the same Bill Clinton who gave us such LGBTQAI+ policy hits as DOMA (1996) and “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” (1993) also gave us Pride Month in 1999. Who needs basic rights when you get a parade? Pride Month is a time to celebrate the LGBTQAI+ community and reflect on the progress made towards equality. For us at CAP, creating a safe and inclusive space for everyone—regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, or ethnicity—requires more than just good intentions. It demands active, deliberate actions and policies that foster genuine inclusion and safety. It also means highlighting ongoing challenges, particularly the importance of gender-affirming care and the significant threats facing the community.
I vividly remember the joy and triumph when New York legalized gay marriage in June 2011, and the nationwide celebration on June 26, 2015, when the Supreme Court's decision in Obergefell v. Hodges overturned the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). These were monumental victories for LGBTQAI+ rights. However, as we approach 2025, there is a palpable anxiety about the durability of these hard-won rights amidst an increasingly hostile political landscape.
Since the beginning of Donald Trump's presidency, there has been a dramatic rise in anti-LGBTQ legislation. Between 2015 and 2023, nearly 2,000 anti-LGBTQ bills were introduced across various state legislatures, with approximately 194 of these becoming law (Human Rights Campaign) (Trans Leg Tracker). This trend has shown no signs of abating; over 300 anti-LGBTQ bills were proposed in 2023 alone, reflecting a concerted effort to undermine LGBTQ rights at the state level (GLAAD). These legislative actions often target healthcare, education, and public accommodations, disproportionately affecting transgender individuals (American Civil Liberties Union) (Trans Leg Tracker). Read more about that here.
Studies indicate that 70 percent of gender-minority adults and 56 percent of sexual-minority adults report experiencing discrimination from healthcare providers. Furthermore, about 8 percent of sexual minorities and 25 percent of transgender individuals have been denied healthcare services (Human Rights Campaign). This discrimination underscores the critical need for gender-affirming care, which is essential for the well-being of transgender and gender non-conforming people.
Gender identity is an internal sense of self that may not align with external gender expressions like clothing or voice. It is vital to recognize that gender cannot be assumed based on appearance or behavior. Instead, it should be understood as an individual's internal identity, which can change over time. Asking someone about their gender is the only way to know, but even then, it is not a fixed attribute (Human Rights Campaign).
The FBI's 2022 crime report, released in 2023, highlighted a disturbing increase in anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes. Reports of hate crimes based on sexual orientation rose by 13.8%, while those based on gender identity surged by 32.9% (Human Rights Campaign) (American Civil Liberties Union). Over 20% of all hate crimes are now driven by anti-LGBTQ+ bias. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has been documenting a surge in fatal violence against transgender individuals, particularly Black transgender women, who are most at risk (American Civil Liberties Union) (Trans Leg Tracker).
Human Rights Campaign President Kelley Robinson commented on the FBI's report, stating, "The rise in hate crimes against the LGBTQ+ community is both shocking and heartbreaking, yet sadly, not unexpected. The constant stream of hostile rhetoric from fringe anti-equality figures, alongside the relentless passage of discriminatory bills, particularly those targeting transgender individuals, in state legislatures, created an environment where it was sadly foreseeable that individuals with violent tendencies might respond to this rhetoric. The FBI's data serves as another alarming indicator of the state of emergency our community finds itself in" (Human Rights Campaign).
It's important to show up and celebrate, but as we do, we must also acknowledge both the achievements and the ongoing struggles of the LGBTQAI+ community. Recognizing the value and power of celebration itself is essential. Pride is a time to honor past victories, build and strengthen our community, raise awareness, affirm identities, and inspire future generations, including both LGBTQAI individuals and therapists who identify as allies. Gender-affirming care remains a critical need amidst rising discrimination and legislative attacks. By staying informed and advocating for inclusive policies, we can help ensure the rights and dignity of all LGBTQAI+ individuals are upheld.
Beginning Again…Again.
Recently, I found myself on the treadmill at the gym (my least favorite place to run), negotiating with myself to finish my workout. Just a little bit longer... I wasn’t sure I would be able to; my chest was tight, my breathing was labored, and I was concerned about possible repercussions later in the day. Almost there, or should I just stop now? Maybe 30 seconds to go, then maybe 20... a few more... done! I reduced the speed to a crawl and glanced at the screen: distance, 1 mile; time, 13 minutes. I was so happy I could cry. I did it—I did something anyway. It was the longest 13 minutes of my life, and I barely got through it, but it was finished.
I’d like to say this was the beginning of my running story and that from here I went on to do great things, but this was last week. Last fall, I ran the NYC Marathon, my first, and now, four months later, I can barely run a mile. But this isn’t actually about overcoming odds; this isn’t even about running. This is about the inevitability of being at the beginning of something. In my case with running, it’s about being at the beginning yet again as part of a long road of navigating health issues that impact my abilities and often my motivation.
If I can work up to marathon training for years and still end up in a poorly equipped gym barely completing 1 mile just months later, how can I rely on my accomplishments? How can I rely on myself? Can I trust my successes will mean something after I complete them, or am I just on this hamster wheel of striving towards something only to be right back where I started each time?
I think the answer is yes to all of the above, actually. Yes, I can trust my accomplishments, and yes, I will be back at the beginning time and time again. Every time I decide to learn a new skill or reach for a goal to stretch myself and grow, I am back in this uncomfortable place of self-doubt—“Will I be able to do it?”—and self-criticism—“What’s the point? I am never going to be great at this anyway?”—which, if left unchecked, inevitably leads to demotivation and avoidance.
Let me be clear: this is not a story about great athletic achievement. I ran almost a five-hour marathon back in November, and I don’t imagine there is going to be a big overcoming of physical limitations that turns me into a 22-year-old athlete in my next one if I ever run another one. No, I am a 43-year-old busy New York woman who runs largely for her mental health, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s exactly enough of a reason to pursue a goal—because it makes you feel good doing it, or maybe with running it feels good having done it. This brings me to the point of this: work towards the things that matter to you but do them with a sense of purpose and personal satisfaction, rather than focusing solely on the end result.
Life is filled with cycles of beginnings and endings, and it's important to recognize that each attempt, each effort, is valuable in its own right. Achievements are not always measured by grand milestones but by the simple act of trying, learning, and growing. By allowing ourselves the grace to start over and the freedom to pursue what brings us joy, we can find fulfillment in the process itself. So, whether you're starting a new job, PRing your marathon, or like me running that first slow painful mile, the true success lies in the journey, the effort, and the commitment to going back again and again.