Feeling and the Unconscious.
Why we need to go deeper.
“How does that make you feel?”, I ask more times in a day than I can count. Followed by, “And where do you feel that in your body?”, or occasionally, “And as you notice and stay with that sensation, what happens next?”. Cliched therapist questions perhaps but in my defense I am really asking and I am really listening in hopes that you too will begin to listen to your experience.
While there are many types of therapy and theoretical orientations, most therapists agree on some basic truths:
Human Experience: Everyone has thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that shape their experiences.
Impact of Past and Environment: Our childhoods, personal histories, and environments significantly influence our behavior and mental health.
Potential for Growth: Humans have an innate potential for growth and self-improvement.
Interpersonal Relationships: Relationships play a crucial role in psychological well-being.
Unconscious Processes: Many (any of the psychodynamic approaches) agree that unconscious processes can influence thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, even if the emphasis varies.
Because of all of the above, we operate in universal but complex ways. We all are significantly shaped by our environment our histories our relationships as well as unconscious drives that motivate us to do certain things that are not always intuitive. In therapy, we try to peel back all of the layers to understand what it is we really feel in order to make decisions.
One simple example of how our unconscious mind can influence behavior is chronic lateness. Imagine you’re late to work every day, causing you anxiety. You wake up dreading the possibility of being late and the consequences it might bring. When you do arrive late, you feel embarrassed and guilty, and you might stay late to compensate, which leads to resentment.
On the surface, you might think you’re just a “late person.” However, there could be an underlying issue. Perhaps you’re unconsciously angry at your employer for not promoting you, but because you grew up in a household where expressing anger wasn’t allowed, you manifest this anger through lateness. This results in a cycle of fear, anxiety, guilt, and resentment—emotions that mirror the environment of your family home. Thus, while you consciously don’t want to be late, your behavior reflects something different.
To understand and shift this cycle, it's not enough to merely be aware of it; you also have to feel your repressed emotions. In therapy, we start with the surface feeling of anxiety but gradually, by tuning into what is happening as you share, we can uncover deeper, more primal feelings like fear and anger. By expressing this anger and tracing its origins, we can begin to understand what we truly want (such as a promotion or a new job) and start behaving in ways that align with these goals. This approach helps break the passive-aggressive cycle of lateness, which perpetuates guilt and resentment and may become a barrier to getting promoted in the future.
To delve deeper into our motivations and desires, it's essential to connect with our present bodily sensations. Learning to sense how we feel in the moment can provide valuable insights. For practical exercises to help you locate and understand your present state feelings, check out the blog post "Developing a Felt Sense". This post includes a simple directive designed to enhance your body awareness and emotional understanding.
I’m not sure I agree with Socrates that an “unexamined life is not worth living”, but something pretty close to that feels true to me. Something about getting to the truth of our experience feels so important in order to live life authentically and with vitality. But this is about you—are you willing to take the risk to discover what's really going on for you?
If yes, sit back, close your eyes, and ask yourself, “How do you feel?”