Being Okay Trying Hard
Redefining "Try Hard": A Journey.
While Merriam-Webster remains silent on the matter, Dictionary.com defines a “try hard” as:
An underskilled or untalented participant attempting to compensate with sheer effort in order to succeed.
A person who participates in a game or other activity with too much enthusiasm, emotion, effort, or commitment.
Someone creating a false image to appear more attractive or appealing; a phony; a poser.
As someone who went to high school in the 90s, I am all too familiar with the particular mortification of being thought of as a “poser.” But as I've gotten older, my perspective has changed. While #3 is undeniably negative, definitions #1 and #2 now seem rather admirable. What could be more pure than having genuine excitement and enthusiasm about something you’re doing? Why is it so lame to be a “try hard?” At the end of the day, aren’t we all just trying to survive and succeed?
Recently, I was listening to Neal Brennan’s podcast, "Blocks," where he interviewed Judd Apatow. Apatow shared one of his wife Leslie Mann’s sayings: “The only thing that’s truly embarrassing is not committing.” This simple yet profound statement resonates deeply with my work as a therapist. Committing to something is inherently vulnerable. It involves risk and opens us up to potential failure. But there’s nothing shameful about being true to yourself, being authentic, and trying.
Trying is Committing:
To achieve something meaningful, you will likely need to try and fail a few times. Anything we care deeply about requires a certain level of risk. Taking risks is scary because things might not work out, we might look silly, and those experiences can be uncomfortable. However, the fear of looking silly, or the fear of shame, can prevent us from doing the most important things in life. It can hold us back from falling in love, expressing care for others, sharing how someone has impacted us, and certainly from achieving goals or learning new skills.
Have you ever taken a class and felt like the instructor was almost making fun of what they were doing? I can remember a Creative Arts Therapy workshop where the facilitator would roll her eyes and make snarky comments about how “woo woo” it was. Which…it might have been, but I was also there to get out of my critical brain and have an experience and her insecurities about not sounding “cool” robbed me of that. There’s nothing less inspiring than a teacher who doesn’t believe in what they’re teaching. If you decide to pursue something important to you, what’s wrong with enthusiastically trying? I would rather be seen as a “try hard” than someone who doesn’t care. I would rather learn as much as I can from others than pretend I have it all figured out.
Today, we face paradoxical messages about what is okay and what is admirable. No one wants to be seen as a “try hard” or its largely female (insert eye roll here) counterpart, a “pick me.” Yet, the number one aspirational way to make money today is to be an “influencer,” which requires you to 1) work incredibly hard and 2) get “picked” by viewers and fans to make a living. Don’t worry we’re not going to quit our day jobs to try to become influencers but it’s worth noting these mixed messages. Everyone has to try to achieve. If you want something you need to work hard for it.
Barriers to Trying:
Despite the virtues of effort and commitment, there are significant barriers to “trying” that merit discussion. Many of us have goals we wish to achieve but feel blocked or stuck in the pursuit. Whether these goals involve career success, finding love, or building a community, we can become discouraged and give up if we experience paralysis. When this blockage is due to insecurity, fear of failure, or shame about pursuing our passions, reality testing, support, and finding the mobility to push through can be invaluable. In cases where deeper issues are at play, therapy can provide the necessary support to help us overcome these barriers and achieve our goals (yes that’s where therapy comes in).
In a world where effort and commitment are crucial to success, perhaps it’s time to redefine our understanding and embrace the courage it takes to truly try.