September Newsletter

Hello and happy fall,

It’s a full season at CAP, and for me personally. Alongside the back-to-school buzz (literally for me; more on that later), I’ve been collaborating on a lecture series about nervous system patterns in relationships. In my preparation for these talks, I keep returning to one idea: how we relate shapes how we live. Or as Esther Perel so clearly puts it, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” But improving that quality means improving how we move through conflict; and conflict often stems from more than just the topic at hand.

You’ve probably heard the line, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” On the surface, it means that trying to win an argument rarely strengthens a connection. Look closer and you see something deeper: there usually isn’t a single right in relational conflict. Fights are emotional. They rest on perspective and history, not logic and reasoning (as much as we might wish they did).

When people talk about relationship problems, the first stop is often “communication issues.” Later, it becomes “getting my needs met.” Helpful, but it still misses the root and rarely repairs the rupture.

Why? Because the fight is about more than the topic at hand. The blueprint for recurring arguments was drafted long ago. What we call miscommunication is usually misattunement. We replay early attachment patterns in today’s conflicts, whether we’re arguing about dishes, finances, or sex.

Years ago, with my first good therapist, I came in venting about my then-partner. “They can’t even cut an onion,” I said, exasperated. Their onion-cutting wasn’t great, but the subtext was, “I can’t rely on this person. I have to handle everything myself.” That theme came from earlier experiences of feeling responsible for everyone. It had very little to do with the tomato sauce I was making.

Here’s how it played out: I showed them the “right” way; they felt micromanaged and stepped back. My inner narrative was confirmed. I went to therapy convinced I was right and that I would never be able to depend on anyone.

My therapist said two things I still think about. First: “You have to let people cut onions how they want to cut them.” People are separate. They won’t behave exactly as you want. There is no perfect mirror in a healthy relationship, and tolerating differences is essential. Second: “An onion is not just an onion.” While the deeper meaning at the time alluded me, eventually I got there. Those early attachment wounds needed attention.

As I write, the irony isn’t lost on me: I married a chef who is markedly better at cutting vegetables than I am.

But I digress…

Do you ever wonder why you have the same fight with your partner over and over, and it never feels resolved? Are you curious about what’s happening beneath the surface?

Many clients come in exhausted and longing for connection, convinced that the solution lies in their partner changing. I understand the impulse, but real change happens when we shift our own patterns. And learn to see our partners. When we notice the old blueprints driving our reactions, we get a chance to rewrite them.

If I had that same experience today, knowing what I know about myself and my system, it might go like this: I ask for help cutting an onion and notice my partner chopping unevenly. I feel tightness in my chest and hear the old thought, “Why did I even ask? If I want it done right, I have to do it myself.” Frustration rises. I pause, take a slow breath, and orient to the room for a couple of seconds. I start to settle. I choose connection over control and say, “Thank you.” My partner smiles, and we keep cooking together.

Or I might say, “You know what, I’ll cut that. Why don’t you pour me a glass of wine and keep me company while I finish cooking?”

Or I’d marry a chef and never have to worry about the onions again.

Growth! But, I’ve been doing this work for a long, long time. I’m grateful for the ease with which I can navigate my own triggers now. I’m excited to teach clients and the therapists who support them to build the same capacity.

If you’re interested in joining or hearing about future talks, click on the link below or reply to this email, and I’ll make sure you get the details.

In the meantime, I hope you all are taking good care of yourselves this month. Talk soon.

- Jennifer CAP Founder