Loss and the Holidays
Love, joy, celebration; Stress, overcommitment, overindulgence; The highs and lows of the holiday season. Regardless of religion or cultural tradition, this time of year brings up a lot for people and while society (or at least advertisers) is busy telling us what we should feel - happiness and unrelenting generosity towards fellow man - so many of us also experience sadness.
Grief.
In the traditional sense we understand grief to be sorrow caused by significant loss, typically the death of a loved one. Undoubtedly this type of absence can lead to profound sadness at the holidays. When togetherness, memory, and tradition are paramount, an empty chair at dinner can feel like a hole in the universe. Experiencing these feelings during a time of year when we are “supposed” to be happy can be challenging and lead to isolation.
In 1969, following years of observation in palliative medicine, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published the first model of grief in her book On Death and Dying. Kübler-Ross identified five stages: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kübler-Ross’s work, while still relevant, has faced criticism for lack of cultural humility as well as common misapplication. As hers and other researchers stage models have entered the zeitgeist of popular culture, the implication is that grief is a process to move through - an experience that ultimately comes to an end - something that we move on from, make peace with, “get over.”
However, those of us experiencing grief after a loss rarely do so in a linear way, let alone in a way that leads to some kind of concrete resolution. Our cultural attitude of avoidance towards grief is evidenced by the fact that we have such limited vocabulary to even describe it. In Spanish, “luto” is used to describe grief of mourning or bereavement, while “dolor,” refers to physical pain (like that of an injury) as well as the mental anguish of grief. There is also la pesadumbre (sorrow/grief), el duelo (duel/mourning/grief), la aflicción (sadness/anger/despair/grief), el pesar (grief/regret), la congoja (affliction/anguish/grief), la cuita (worry/grief).
Even if we don’t have the language around it, we have the feeling. Grief is a feeling in the truest sense. We often describe experiences of physical pain. An aching. Something that we carry with us - the Latin gravis translating to “heavy.”
Dr. Lois TonkinTonkin's model of grief suggests that following a loss, a person’s grief stays pretty much the same over time, but their life grows around it as new experiences and people become part of the bereaved person's life as they begin to enjoy different experiences and new relationships. Tonkin suggests that there is resilience that comes with loss. Even when sadness rises to the surface from time to time, people learn to incorporate grief into their overall identity while finding happiness in other areas of life.
During a time of gathering, reflection, and looking ahead, the heaviness of grief can present itself even when we haven’t experienced an immediate loss. A broader sense of despair about the direction of humanity. Concerns about the survival of future generations, systemic oppression, violence and inequality, powerlessness over the complexity of global systems. Feeling the suffering of others in an existential way - a grief for the world - is an extremely human experience rooted in empathy.
While grief for the world acknowledges pain and loss, it also carries the potential for renewal and transformation. Recognizing this grief as a sign of deep care and connection can be a powerful motivator. Hope, when paired with action, is a vital counterbalance, reminding us that collective efforts, no matter how small, can create meaningful impact.
Grieving for the world is a testament to our shared humanity. It reflects not only the depth of our sorrow but also the strength of our empathy, love, and desire for a better future.
