The Art of Repair:
Years ago, my friend's hurt feelings would have sent me into a shame spiral. I would have become defensive, argumentative, withdrawn. What changed wasn't that I became a better person, it was that I developed affect tolerance: the capacity to hold two truths at once. She was hurt, AND I hadn't intended harm.
When Someone You Love Says You Hurt Them:
When someone we love tells us we hurt them, our nervous system often reacts with shame and defensiveness before our rational brain can catch up. This visceral response isn't a character flaw; it's neurobiology. Understanding what happens in our bodies during relationship ruptures is the first step toward repair.