In psychotherapy circles, particularly in the context of couples therapy, there is a saying that goes, "It's not really about the money or the sex." This means that while money and sex are often the surface issues that couples argue about, they usually symbolize deeper, underlying problems within the relationship. These big topics often hold significant meaning beyond their immediate context. For instance, arguments about money can reflect deeper issues such as power dynamics, trust, security, or differing values and priorities.

This is especially true when it comes to an individual’s relationship with money. While money itself can be useful, it’s what money represents or symbolizes that holds significant importance. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), money has been a top stressor for Americans since 2007, and in 2020, the APA identified it as a risk factor in the nation’s mental health crisis. For many, money carries a heavy emotional weight, often triggering past anxieties or even resurfacing traumatic memories.

So what does money mean to you?

In one of Suze Orman's first books, The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, she introduces a powerful exercise that involves picturing your first memory of money.

"So the first step toward financial freedom is a step back in time to the earliest moments you can recall when money meant something to you, when you truly understood what it could do. When you began to see that money could create pleasure--ice-cream cones, merry-go-round rides; and also to see that it could create pain--fights between your parents, perhaps, or longings of your own that couldn't be fulfilled because there wasn't enough money or even because there was too much. When you first understood that money was not just a shiny object or something to color on. When you understood that money was money. I want you to think back and see that your feelings about money today (fearing it, enjoying it, loving it, hating it) can almost certainly be traced to an incident, possibly forgotten until now, from your past."

She goes on to encourage people to ask themselves some reflective questions:

• What were the best presents you recall receiving when you were a child?

• Did your friends have things you didn't?

• Did your mother have to work when others didn't, or not have to work when others did?

• Did you get money every time you went to see your grandparents?

• Were you ashamed to bring your friends home to your house?

• What were the special treats of your childhood? Did you have to be good in order to earn them?

• Did you feel like your friends had nicer clothes than you did? Did your friends' parents have more expensive cars than yours did?

• Did you feel ashamed of having far more than your friends did?

• Did you hear your parents fight about money?

• Did you receive only money as gifts, instead of the personal touch of a handpicked present?

• Did your mother close the windows when she bought something because your father would yell and she didn't want the neighbors to hear? (Mine did.)

• Was shopping for school clothes a ritual you looked forward to every year?

• Did you steal--from piggy banks, your parents' wallets, the dime store?

• Do you remember the very first wallet you ever had? Was it given to you empty, or with a penny in it, or a dollar?

• Did you get less of an allowance than your friends or siblings? Did you have to work for it, or was it given to you as your right? What did you do with it--spend it? save it?

• What is the biggest amount of money you ever saw as a child?

• Did you get money for birthdays? Did someone tell you what to do with it?

• Did your friends go on better vacations than you?

• What did your parents tell you about money that made you feel good? That made you feel bad?

While doing this, also tune into how you’re feeling in the moment. What emotions are surfacing? What physical sensations are you noticing? These feelings might be familiar to you, connected to past experiences.

If it feels right, try drawing what’s coming up for you. What do you notice about the imagery you create? This process can offer deeper insights into the emotions and sensations that may be over-coupled with your thoughts about money.

In Somatic Experiencing, we talk about coupling dynamics, which often arise as a result of exposure to overwhelming experiences—the root of trauma. We typically categorize coupling into two types: over-coupling and under-coupling.

Over-coupling occurs when two elements become linked (or coupled) within a traumatic experience that shouldn't be inherently connected. For instance, an emotion or sensation may become automatically associated with a specific trigger, like money.

Take a moment to reflect: Is there an emotion or sensation that immediately comes up when you think about money? This could be an example of over-coupling. When you think back to your earliest memories, do you notice any ways in which you might have attached feelings of fear or safety to money?

By exploring these coupling dynamics and paying attention to the emotions and sensations that arise, you can begin to untangle the connections that may be influencing your relationship with money. This awareness is a crucial step in healing, allowing you to separate past traumas from present experiences. As you reflect, visualize, and even create imagery around these feelings, you gain a deeper understanding of how your past might be shaping your present. This process empowers you to move forward with greater clarity, intentionality, and emotional freedom.