The Masks We Wear

We live in a time where the tension between our public selves and private truths is more visible than ever. In a world that places high value on how we present ourselves, on social media, at work, in relationships, we may feel pressure to show only certain parts of ourselves. I mean no one is posting the picture of a fight we got in on vacation, we are all posting the smiling happy faces and the sunsets. We all want to be seen a certain way at least some of the time. Many of us wear different masks to fit into societal expectations or to protect ourselves from judgment. Yet, the dissonance between who we are and who we feel we need to be can weigh heavily on our mental and emotional well-being.

For the most part, the masking behaviors we discuss are survival mechanisms that developed in childhood when someone didn’t feel safe to express their true selves. In recent weeks, however, we’ve seen a number of public figures have their carefully constructed images shattered as long-buried truths come to light. The unveiling of such hidden aspects—often after years of projecting a different public persona—serve as a stark reminder of the different facets of masking which extend into the lives of those in the spotlight. These revelations highlight the profound disconnection that occurs when a person’s public and private selves are in conflict, sometimes with severe consequences.

In cases like these, the false persona is often crafted with malintent, consciously designed to manipulate or deceive others for personal gain. This type of narcissistic masking is harmful to others versus the individual. If you're interested in learning more about narcissistic masking, you can read more [here] or about [narcissism in general], and for insights into antisocial personality disorder and sociopathic tendencies, check [here].

That being said, the dynamic of disconnection between our inner and outer worlds is not exclusive to those with pathological intentions; it can happen to anyone. Many of us find ourselves unconsciously hiding our true identities as a means of self-preservation, particularly in environments where we feel vulnerable or judged. This act of masking, while not harmful to others, can still lead to significant internal conflict and emotional distress.

People naturally adapt to their environments all the time, and this isn’t inherently negative—it’s often just part of having social skills. For example, many of us behave differently at work than we do at home. This doesn’t necessarily mean we’re being inauthentic, but rather, we’re highlighting different aspects of ourselves to suit the context. However, when someone conceals their true personality or behavior to avoid social pressure, abuse, or harassment, it can be a necessary coping mechanism at the time—but often leads to consequences later on.

Masking can be relatively harmless like our IG feeds or our behavior at work or far more serious. As a therapist who works with individuals who have experienced complex or developmental trauma, I mostly work with individuals who unconsciously have had to mask since childhood. In Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child, she explores the concept of the ‘false self,’ which develops when a child becomes a narcissistic extension of their parents. This can be extreme, involving child abuse or when a parent with a personality disorder seeks validation or control through their child’s achievements, or it can be more subtle, like when a parent unknowingly projects their unmet ambitions onto their child. In both cases, the child learns to suppress their own desires, emotions, and identity to meet external expectations.

This ‘false self’ emerges as a protective mask. Over time, the mask becomes so convincing—even to the person wearing it—that the true self retreats further into the background. The disconnection becomes difficult to recognize, and this suppression of authentic desires often continues into adulthood.

As adults, we might pursue careers, relationships, or lifestyles that don’t align with our inner selves but feel "right" because they’ve been reinforced by external expectations. The tension between what we think we should do and what we actually want to do can be exhausting. This dissonance often leads to anxiety, depression, or a pervasive sense of discontent.